10 things to learn from a belated Festivus party
1. Awesome friends are awesome.
Seriously, so many interesting and hilarious conversations to be had. Did you know that reading HarukiMurakami while listening to jazz can cause an implosion, creating a wormhole that leads to Portland? Don’t forget to pack a mustache.
2. Bringing food that you can eat (to share with everyone, of course) is necessary, because almost everything else is potentially problem causing.
One of the salads had pasta in it, another one had cheese. Lots of mashed potatoes made with milk & butter. Then there were the endless baked goods…
3. Turkey is the most delicious source of protein. Ever.
There’s nothing better than some moist dark meat!
Moist dark meat. Moist dark meat. Yeah. Even though this joke is failing, there is definitely chuckle-worthy potential there for the gutter-minded folk.
4. Beef is nasty to those unaccustomed to it.
You might think to yourself, “Beef production is so terrible for the environment, I shouldn’t eat it. But all these other dishes are so terrible for my digestion, I shouldn’t eat them. Guess I’ll be selfish and have some beef.” Bad idea. Gross.
4. Mead is too sweet. And deceivingly strong.
Sip one – wow, that’s got some kick! Sip two to twenty – oh, look, my glass is empty already, how’d that happen? Repeat three times. Why does my mouth feel all sticky, syrupy, and gross?
5. Jalapeno cornbread, brownies with peanuts, and old fashioned donuts are impossibly difficult to resist after sugar & alcohol (a.k.a. mead) has already been consumed.
You came prepared with your tried and true safe dishes of mashed sweet potatoes with Moroccan spices andquinoa vegetable stuffing. You ate multiple servings of these dishes, plus a lot of turkey. This should be enough, but for some reason you still feel hungry. Desperately hungry. Cornbread is made with a cornmeal and flour mix, right? So that means it has a lower amount of gluten than the other baked goods, right? So just one piece should be fine, right? And once that piece has been eaten, it wouldn’t be any worse to have one more, right? And now that you’ve already broken your rules, you’re screwed anyway, and might as well break them even more. Right?? See, once you start down this slippery slope, there’s no turning back…
6. Trying to sneakily eat baked goods when your friends aren’t watching makes you feel like a junkie hiding a bad habit.
Is anyone paying attention to what I have tucked in the palm of my hand and am occasionally snacking on? Did anyone notice that earlier I made a big deal about how I couldn’t eat any of this, and just now picked a piece up off the plate like a sly thief? Are they not saying anything to be nice, but secretly judging me? I’m such a terrible hypocrite.
7. Admitting it later is even worse. But it’s part of the self-improvement process.
Hi, my name is Laura, and I’m a carb-oholic. Oh, and a peanut addict. Sometimes I’m really good and have amazing will-power. But occasionally it all flies out the window. Please help me be stronger.
8. A belly full of stomach-upsetting foods and drinks leads to a very restless night’s sleep.
Collapse into bed feeling slightly nauseous. Toss, turn, toss, turn, wake up drenched in sweat and kick off the blanket. Toss, turn, toss, turn, wake up parched and get a glass of water. Shiver and pull the blanket half on. Lay there wide awake with your heart pounding for no reason. Drift back to sleep, toss and turn some more, wake up parched again. Get a glass of water. Kick off the blanket again. Find a lighter-weight blanket to pull on. Toss, turn, toss, turn, wake up to the alarm going off. It’s a work day. Mutter profanities.
9. Sunday is a bad day to break diet rules.
Monday’s school lunch always has bread, so gluten on Sunday leads to double trouble. Indulging in lemon poppy seed cake on Saturday makes that a triple whammy.
Eating too much, even if it’s all good food but especially if it’s bad food, on Sunday is also bad if you do your weekly weight and waist size check on Monday mornings. Oh dear, February keeps getting worse and worse…
I don’t actually have anything for number ten, just felt like it was a nice round number for a list. If I ended it at nine, I’m sure you’d be left feeling unsatisfied. So, you’re welcome.